Hereditary Depression

Used to think, "What a shame..." - watching my family drink away their days. Never understood what they were going through, never stopped to watch them battle uphill and now it's hard for me to sleep without taking all these pills.

Telling myself they're just a sleep aide - but they leave me such a delightful haze. Laying in the dark, staring at what I imagine to be the walls and the ceiling that keep me from floating free.

Used to think it was their choice, to live life in such a state, but now I see through the drugs, they didn't choose this pain.

I swallow to sleep, I booze off the pain. I write down all my feelings just to chase these blues away whn I know that all I'm doing is wasting a score of beautiful days.

My college days..was so sure I had it all made. Felt like I owned the world. I was much too cocky for an ordinary girl. Teachers say, "You have to work it out", but the only time I've ever felt self doubt is when I'm trying to plan out my life. Can't always be right about these things..Lord only knows what the future will bring?

Now I travel this country, a citizen privileged by birth, trying to figure out what I'm worth. I meet all these people so different than me..but by learning from them, I'm being set free. All that I'm really trying to prove is that if you just don't give up, there's no way you can lose.

Take it from me, an ordinary girl - if you just keep on going, you can take on the world.

Keep wonderin' if I'm too selfish with my dreams. So fed up, laying awake at night and my brain screams out through my toes. God only knows what I'm supposed to be; not sure what I'm made for, I just can't see it yet.

I sit in these classrooms, my pencil scratchin' on these sheets, thinking hard on how to cheat my fate. My teachers are noble, but I'm gettin' older and I want more recognition that sharing my knowledge with "kids" that don't get - the ones who sign up cause they need college credits.

Foldin' up blankets at the store on the weekends, watching 45 year old co-workers stare at the clock. Terrified that I'm 2 decades away from hating myself for wasting my days. I'm just so much more capable than anyone knows - I'm charming and witty and brilliant with prose. I wonder if anyone else feels like this - like they'd be farther in life if they'd done and not wished.

Feel like I've not lived up to their hopes. Thought I'd be rich and famous, brave yet demure, but now that I'm grown, they're not so sure anymore. May never accomplish what I'm capable of, but sometimes it seems that they were too selfish with all of their dreams for me.

Sometimes, wondering if somethin' is wrong with me. Not obsessed with cellulite or anti-aging beauty creams. Feeling like there must be a bigger purpose in this world than standing around like a bunch of clowns with makeup caked on our beautiful faces.

Want to put something better out into the world, but I'm just one girl and I'm constantly bombarded with unreal pictures of what beauty is perceived to be. Feel like a target for those foraging for women with low self-esteem. Just more beautiful souls to feed on. Unreal to me, to see with my eyes, this facade taking over. Dismayed at the way it rises up like a wave of untruth, crashing over millions of girls who don't have the power to stay afloat. Wish I could cover them in a coat of acceptance, let them know that they're beautiful and that social standards will never love them the way that they are and it's about time to reconstruct their old scars that were left by the world, telling them they're no good. It's about time someone put something good out into this world.