got a little ditty running through my head, gonna play with it later - gotta sleep now.

something about, no time for make-up, covered in mud

designer clothes do no good, muddy puppies...

excuse me if i'm not a super model

rather be a role model

rather have a heart.

Silly Shoes

Having a difficult time throwing out my old shoes. They're witnesses to the roads that I choose. Like to watch people's shoes as they're walkin' away. Wonder what they'll have seen by the end of the day.

Do you ever imagine of the things your shoes see? The ups and the downs, the dirt roads, the streets?

I've shoes that have roamed throughout Western New York, then took a train the whole way out to the West Coast. On my feet there in Hollywood, when I first saw that sign. Star-struck in Los Angeles as we dreamt up new rhymes.

Kept my feet warm as I fell in love the first time. Through my sorrows and victories, had some good laughs, better cries.

Wore those shoes to the beach and La Jolla shores. Took out the trash in those shoes- they helped me with my chores.

Those shoes ran circles around that impossible man as he whispered sweet, Russian nothings that we didn't understand.

I ran in those shoes until I couldn't breathe. They moved us to San Diego and then helped me leave.

Had these shoes for six years as I've learned what I'm about...That's why I'm having a hard time throwing them out.

Not sure of my purpose, but there's no way of telling. Sick of fighting inside, wish my brain would stop yelling right at my heart saying, "You're here for a reason" cause though I think I may see it, my heart won't believe it.

Keep going in circles, cause it's some place to go. Keep smiling at strangers just to keep up the show. Say "please" and "Thank You" when I couldn't care less - never fit into their image cause I'm lacking finesse.

Don't want to be just another lost soul- drifting around as life takes it's toll. My mind is racing, but I've nothing to say. Saved only because God hears the thoughts that I pray and I send up to Him all of my doubts but I feel so hypocritical when we tumble out of bed. Sweaty and tangled for the 10th time this month - fucking like animals just to feel something for once.

We lay quietly afterwards, though my mind keeps on screamin' as I lay there and beg for release from my demons.

Work in Progress

Feels like I'm always thirteen steps behind. Born 50 years ahead of my time.

An artist after budget cuts.
An actor once the curtains shut.
A child when there isn't time for games.
A gambler with no hope of gain.
An author in an illiterate city
A model that doesn't quite pass for pretty
A friend to few, and then from afar
Only offer submission when it's not too hard
Eager to learn after classes are cancelled
Asl you a question to see if you know the right answer
Working the hardest when there's no money involved
Have no faith in humans, though they say we've evolved
A dreamer discouraged, a lover out of time
I may be out of place, but I'm at home with my rhymes.

Hereditary Depression

Used to think, "What a shame..." - watching my family drink away their days. Never understood what they were going through, never stopped to watch them battle uphill and now it's hard for me to sleep without taking all these pills.

Telling myself they're just a sleep aide - but they leave me such a delightful haze. Laying in the dark, staring at what I imagine to be the walls and the ceiling that keep me from floating free.

Used to think it was their choice, to live life in such a state, but now I see through the drugs, they didn't choose this pain.

I swallow to sleep, I booze off the pain. I write down all my feelings just to chase these blues away whn I know that all I'm doing is wasting a score of beautiful days.

My college days..was so sure I had it all made. Felt like I owned the world. I was much too cocky for an ordinary girl. Teachers say, "You have to work it out", but the only time I've ever felt self doubt is when I'm trying to plan out my life. Can't always be right about these things..Lord only knows what the future will bring?

Now I travel this country, a citizen privileged by birth, trying to figure out what I'm worth. I meet all these people so different than me..but by learning from them, I'm being set free. All that I'm really trying to prove is that if you just don't give up, there's no way you can lose.

Take it from me, an ordinary girl - if you just keep on going, you can take on the world.

Keep wonderin' if I'm too selfish with my dreams. So fed up, laying awake at night and my brain screams out through my toes. God only knows what I'm supposed to be; not sure what I'm made for, I just can't see it yet.

I sit in these classrooms, my pencil scratchin' on these sheets, thinking hard on how to cheat my fate. My teachers are noble, but I'm gettin' older and I want more recognition that sharing my knowledge with "kids" that don't get - the ones who sign up cause they need college credits.

Foldin' up blankets at the store on the weekends, watching 45 year old co-workers stare at the clock. Terrified that I'm 2 decades away from hating myself for wasting my days. I'm just so much more capable than anyone knows - I'm charming and witty and brilliant with prose. I wonder if anyone else feels like this - like they'd be farther in life if they'd done and not wished.

Feel like I've not lived up to their hopes. Thought I'd be rich and famous, brave yet demure, but now that I'm grown, they're not so sure anymore. May never accomplish what I'm capable of, but sometimes it seems that they were too selfish with all of their dreams for me.

Sometimes, wondering if somethin' is wrong with me. Not obsessed with cellulite or anti-aging beauty creams. Feeling like there must be a bigger purpose in this world than standing around like a bunch of clowns with makeup caked on our beautiful faces.

Want to put something better out into the world, but I'm just one girl and I'm constantly bombarded with unreal pictures of what beauty is perceived to be. Feel like a target for those foraging for women with low self-esteem. Just more beautiful souls to feed on. Unreal to me, to see with my eyes, this facade taking over. Dismayed at the way it rises up like a wave of untruth, crashing over millions of girls who don't have the power to stay afloat. Wish I could cover them in a coat of acceptance, let them know that they're beautiful and that social standards will never love them the way that they are and it's about time to reconstruct their old scars that were left by the world, telling them they're no good. It's about time someone put something good out into this world.